(HORROR) Albino Farm - 2008 *

I've heard of most horror films, however bad they are, but I had never heard of this before my friend brought it over for film day. 

A group of people including that girl from Home and Away who can't act are researching local legends and stumble (somewhat willingly) across a town full of cannibals. Ironically we don't actually hear or see anything to do with albinos until about five minutes before the end, so the title is a bit misleading, but as I don't recommend you watch it you wont need to worry. 

(HORROR) The Canal - 2014 ***

David and his family move into a period house that is conveniently located near a canal, despite the fact that the estate agent has warned them of the building being haunted. But why would anyone listen, no one seems to in these films anyway. David soon starts having strange hallucinations that hint at his wife being unfaithful to him, and when he takes a walk along the canal in the middle of the night to clear his head, tbings descend into a hellish nightmare. It's quite a good storyline, and the first part I'd actually good, but it gets progressively worse, more messed up and less coherent as time goes by, until you haven't got a clue what is happening. A let down. But did like the concept originally.

(HORROR) A Good Marriage - 2014 **

Such a disappointment from Mr King. I really thought this was going to be excellent, after having seen such terrifying films like 'The Shining' but actually it was a damp squib, and for two such prominent actors the acting seemed pretty appalling. Or wooden. Can't work out which. Joan Allen especially acted like she had taken a huge dose of sleeping tablets and seemed completely out of it. Darcy and Bob appear to have a good marriage. They regularly go to events, have fun and seem loving towards each other, but when Bob goes off on an ominous business meeting, Darcy starts to get paranoid that he might be the notorious serial killer who happens to be on the loose. It sounds so good but it really lacks something major; I just don't have a clue what it is...

(HORROR) Annabelle - 2014 ***

First of all, dolls terrify me, and always have done, and these creepy vintage dolls with painted faces give me horrendous nightmares. So before I even went into this I knew it would scare the hell out of me. To be honest there didn't even really need to be a story linked to the film, as just 1 hour 30 minutes of watching a doll on a chair would be enough to stop me sleeping.

John's wife Mia is expecting, and when he finds a vintage doll in a white lace dress in an antiques shop he believes it's the perfect gift for her. But soon things take a negative turn when a break in occurs, and the devil worshipping culprits smear their blood on the wall some drips onto the doll. And she becomes evil. Sounds silly, but the build up of tension is really atmospheric, and what makes its even scarier is that you don't actually see the doll move. It's all in your imagination. 

(HORROR) Deadly Weekend - 2013 *

You can tell from the overtly sexual poster of a former playboy bunny lurking next to a tree that it's going to be a bad movie. And it is. Two couples go away for the last weekend they will have together before they go their separate ways, and along the way they turn on each other with rumours and confessions of infidelity that threaten to tear the whole group apart. The acting is the usual rubbish that you would suspect from a badly produced movie like this and there is not one credible character. Avoid. 

(HORROR) Videodrome - 1983 *

A horrendously bad nightmare of a film trying to masquerade as 'cult' because its got the sort of acid-trip nonsense that seemed to befit 'Eraserhead'. Both made me wish I had shoved my head in the oven. Woods plays a disgruntled head of a TV channel who is looking for a new and exciting idea to attract bigger audiences. When he hears about the mysterious "Videodrome" - a channel that portrays rape, murder and torture, he becomes fascinated and broadcasts the channel. His nutty and sexually voracious girlfriend starts to become obsessed with the horrible images. She then decides to leave to audition for a role, leaving James Woods in a state of permanent lunacy.

Just horrible, I didn't like it and it made me feel uncomfortable. I understand it was trying to show us a morality tale of what happens when people get too reliant and obsessive over television, as well as how people can take images on screen too literally, but it wasn't presented in a viewer friendly way to appeal. Thumbs down from me.

(HORROR) Don't Let Him In - 2011 **

I was initially interested in this film because of the creepy poster, which convinced me to watch it, but I'm afraid the end result was utterly disappointing. I would say that some awards for awful acting should be given out here, because in some scenes it was so horrendous that it seemed the actors were purposely trying to embarrass themselves. 

A couple, their sister and her latest one night stand (the vilest d******* on the face of the planet) all decide to go off for the weekend to a relative's house, which will give them all the opportunity for some alone time, or rampant sex in the sister's case. Once there, the one night stand (disturbingly named Tristan) immediately needs to make lots of secretive phone calls, as well as be thoroughly repulsive to the people who have driven him up to the house, and he suddenly feels like he needs to get some air and some milk from a local shop ten minutes away. Not weird at all. You can tell he's dodgy from square one, and that's not even a spoiler. What is weird however is when a hitchhiker appears, bloody and in pain, demanding medical attention (oh and the woman just happens to be a qualified nurse) and the delightful 'Tristan' refuses to lend at hand whatsoever. Add a hilariously tragic fishing trip and some inappropriate touching and you have this movie. Oh, and the local policeman appears at the beginning to let the characters know that a deranged serial killer called 'The Tree Surgeon' is on the loose. Fabulous.

California Suite - 1978 ****

Amusing comedy surrounding 4 groups of people's experiences at a luxury hotel. Alan Alda and Jane Fonda play an estranged couple, meeting up to discuss the living arrangements of their brattish teenage daughter, and finding that their feelings for each other may not be completely gone. Michael Caine and Maggie Smith are a comfortable married couple named Diana and Sidney's, who are in America to celebrate a possible win at the Oscar's for Diana's latest movie performance. Whilst getting ready, personal revelations come to light, and Sidney's somewhat passionless personality comes into question. Bill Crosby and Richard Pryor are best friends who are on holiday with their wives. And whilst originally everything seems calm, things immediately start to go wrong, leading to arguments and fights galore and resulting in an intense tennis match. Lastly, Walter Matthau and Elaine Ray are a married couple named Marvin and Millie, temporarily separated one evening before Marvin's birthday. After a drunken night, Marvin wakes up next to a prostitute named Bunny, whom he must get out of his room before his wife appears.

A funny little gem, and enjoyable segments with breast characters and a stellar cast. Only thing that might've made it better was to have ALL the characters interact with each other. 

You Can't Take It With You - 1938 ****

 

A quirky comedy that has recently become popular back on the stage again, James Stewart and Jean Arthur are delightful together as a mismatched couple named Tony and Alice who have to try to convince Tony's snotty and upper crust family that they are meant to be together. They are invited to Alice's house for a 'meet and greet' dinner which goes down badly when Alice's family display their eccentric and over the top characteristics, including a manic wannabe ballet dancer, a scatty mother and a crazy father who likes to experiment with explosives in the basement. To top it off, Tony's family mistakenly arrive on the wrong day, unaware that the house is a tip and the family have just been in the middle of a meeting about selling the house. You can tell it's a Frank Capra because of the quality of acting and array of stars. It also has the signature tearjerker ending which rounds it off nicely. I loved Ann Miller in this, who pretended she was only 14 to get her part (despite being at least 18) and also Stewart who is always a pleasure to watch. 

Kill Your Darlings - 2013 ****

Fabulously acted dramatic thriller starring Daniel Radcliffe who proves that he really CAN act. The story is based around the intense relationship between aspiring writers Ginsberg and Carr who both live together in rooms in their university. They stand out, partly for their eccentric mannerisms, and partly because their opinions on writing and literature in general astound and amaze their professors and fellow classmates. Constantly told that "in writing they must kill their darlings" (roughly meaning that they should get rid of any 'fluffy' mannerisms and sayings) they go wild in their consumption of books and classical stimulation. Ginsberg is soon made aware that Lucien Carr only manages to stay at Columbia University because he has a special relationship with the lead professor David Kammerer who appears to be an ex lover of his. He also befriends Jack Kerouac and William Burroughs who are in the middle of their own personal war with the quest for knowledge. Soon it becomes too much for Carr and Ginsberg to have Kammerer constantly begging Lucien for sexual favours and they decide to murder him. 

It's an exceedingly plotted and well done movie, and fascinating to see the crumbling relationships between these clever men. 

Shadow of Fear - 2012 ***

Casey is a pretty, accomplished and popular girl who juggles three jobs and a busy social life. One of her jobs is at the local coffee shop, where she meets a strange boy named Morgan. Believing him to be a bit odd, she is relieved when he quits the job and thinks its the last she will ever see of him. But almost immediately she receives a call from him stating that she led him on and was playing games with him. It is obvious that he has a screw lose, but how far will his deranged mind take him?

Gripping and taut obsession based thriller.

Another Woman's Husband - 2000 ****

The poster for this looks like a 'B' version of "Wild Things" but actually its got a bit more of a story to it. Just a shame that the women are so strange looking, and that the man is such a d***. Susan is a dedicated and committed wife to Jonny, and when she meets a new friend named Laurel during her swimming coaching she is happy to hear that Laurel has a new boyfriend. The two converse and become closer and closer friends, both having no idea that they are both romantically involved with the same man. 

Jonny is a typical chauvinistic man who can't commit to one person, and finds his wife's love and affection irritating. Laurel provides an escape that he seems to think he deserves. Laurel is equally besotted with Jonny, completely unaware that he is married. When the truth comes out it understandably creates a horrible situation. 

I've seen this twice now and enjoyed it each time. 

(HORROR) Inbred - 2011 **

I'm sure you can tell from the intellectual wordplay on the poster that this film was absolutely cringeworthy, but in case you didn't let me explain the basics. A group of troubled teens and their social workers go to a run down house in the middle of nowhere for team building exercises and as a reward for keeping our of trouble. Once there they encounter the locals, who happen to be utter lunatics who like killing and terrorising and have decided that this group of people are next on their list. And they like to west pig masks. Divine. Actually not a horrendously bad film, but as with most horrors, it has more potential than it likes to experience.

(HORROR) Starry Eyes - 2014 ***

What happens when you want to be famous so much that you sacrifice everything you hold dear? This is what happens in 'Starry Eyes' when aspiring actress Sarah is telephoned out of the blue to come to a mysterious house to meet an even weirder man, who then offers her chance to be the lead star in "The Silver Scream", but only for a price. She will become a mere shadow of her former self. Demoralised and in need of money, Sarah has to decide whether she should give up her soul and personality to be a superstar, even if it costs her. 

It's a morality tale I think, and shows you how desperate people can become when something is offered to them which seems too good to be true, because nine times out of ten it usually is. Lead actress is annoying, but maybe that's the whole idea. 

(HORROR) Hazard Jack - 2014 **

Nothing original here. A group of pervy men and women with ginormous breasts go to an abandoned hospital with ideas of playing paintball and getting off with each other. Immediately the viewer is aware that we hate all the characters and want them to die, so its not too much of a shock when they start being bumped off one at a time by a lunatic with a helmet on who is suffering from PTSD after being a soldier in Afghanistan. Obviously if your suffering from something so appalling the best place to spend your time is a creepy old hospital. Luckily for Hazard Jack, his victims are idiotic and sex crazed, so he has free reign to do whatever he likes to them. 

Can't applaud the film, but something to watch I guess. 

Attack of the 50ft. Woman - 1958 ***

A bit of a cheesy film, and so sad about the demise of the lead star, but a film that deserves to be watched, if not just for the hilarity of it all. 

A beautiful woman finds her husband cheating on her with another woman after being turned into a giant by an alien. She then goes crazy and starts stomping about all over town, crushing people and buildings and generally looking scary. I liked it, and the special effects were actually pretty good for the late 50s! 

Calvary - 2014 ****

A deeply shocking film that will haunt you for quite a time afterwards. Gleeson is a priest, trying to do good in the world and sort out a tricky relationship with his daughter. One day a man comes into the confessional and very calmly tells him that he has one week to live; because he will be murdering him the following Sunday. The reason for this is simple - because he has done nothing wrong. He is not a bad person, is an upstanding member of ythe community and has no inner demons (or so the mysterious man thinks) and this makes him a perfect target for someone who appears to have nothing to lose. 

It's a very tense movie, and I was surprised by the ending. You must watch it. What a clever story. 

(HORROR) As Above So Below - 2014 ***

'As Above So Below' is a very strange film. It's got a mirriad of strange happenings that wall appear to relate to ancient scriptures and mythology. The lead character Scarlett is an infuriating architect, completely self absorbed in herself and her 'quest' to find the Philosopher's Stone, which she has been told is under the mysterious catacombs in Paris. It's the sort of place you can only get to if you have a tour guide or someone 'in the know' and so we are introduced to a weird bloke who takes them into the deepest, darkest parts of the catacombs. Scarlett is utterly absorbed in finding this stone, which has been the focus of her whole career and puts the group of people she is with in extraordinary danger. 

Its not a run of the mill horror film, and it can be quite helpful if you know a bit about the legend of the Philosopher's Stone, but it can still be enjoyed independently.

(HORROR) Soulmate - 2013 ***

Not a bad effort, and a typical ghost story for a cold autumnal evening. 

A troubled woman on suicide watch decides to retreat to a quiet country house to convalesce, and becomes the obsession of a ghost who believes they are meant to be together, even if it means she dies. Some areas are jumpy, and the location serves for extra chills. I had never heard of this film and it was actually a lot better than many horror films I've seen recently. Although that's not saying much really. 

Bad Words - 2013 *

Jason Bateman plays an idiotic loser who spends his life winning children's spelling bees due to a technicality. He's unpleasant, fake, and just not funny. The whole film just progresses with Bateman getting more and more vile and trampling over anyone who gets in his way. 

I really didn't like this and found it difficult watching such a prat for such a long time. 

(HORROR) Bela Kiss: Prologue - 2014 *

Really appalling film. Not even for the subject matter, which in itself is quite interesting, but for the dire acting and plot. 

Five idiotic bank robbers get caught up in a peculiar hotel hiding from the police, without realising that the legend of Bela Kiss is still present, and very real. Bloody awful.

The Two Mrs. Carrolls - 1947 ****

Yes Bogie might've been miscast, but you still see echoes of his gangster attitude and wide, scary eyes in some scenes.

Geoffrey, a talented painter meets Sally, a kindhearted woman who falls head over heels in love with him. She marries him and goes to live with Geoffrey and his intelligent daughter Bea, only afterwards does she discover that he was married before, and his wife tragically died. 

Soon Sally starts to panic that Geoffrey is displaying peculiar tendencies, including being secretive, sending his daughter away and flirting with the beautiful neighbour. He also won't allow anyone into his studio to see his latest masterpiece. But when Sally and Bea finally break into the room, what they find is terrifying. 

It's a genuinely scary film towards the end, and as usual Stanwyck is utterly understated. Brilliant, and what a storyline. 

Dishonoured Lady - 1947 ***

I hope no one ever forgets how wonderfully accomplished Hedy Lamarr was, not just in her acting but in her other pioneering pursuits; without her we wouldn't have wireless communication. Madeleine is the beautiful and accomplished art editor who is careless in her relationships. She goes through man after man, but when her latest partnership fails she attempts suicide. Thankfully she is not successful, and after being blackmailed by her previous lover she retreats to a quiet life, hoping to be untraceable. However soon her new life is disrupted when two of her ex partners track her down. 

Lamarr is electrifying and I adore her voice. (I also love that she chose her surname from silent star Barbra La Mar). One of her most well known films and deserves to be seen.

(Obsession) The Hidden Room - 1949 ****

Psychiatrist Clive believes his beautiful wife Storm (what a name!) is having an affair, and his fears are justified when he arrives home one evening and, standing in the shadows, sees his wife come in with her lover Bill. Once Clive confronts them it is clear his motives are dangerous and when he invites Bill out for a walk to 'discuss things' (it's the middle of the night) Storm is adamant that Bill will be killed. What she doesn't know is that Clive has taken Bill to a secret bunker-type room underground round the corner, and is keeping him chained to the wall. He tells Bill that it's only a matter of time before he disposes of him, but won't say when.

It's incredibly atmospheric and tense, and I love how calm the two men are around each other, nothing like being spurned by your wife for a younger lover and having to keep your cool. Sally Gray is gorgeous and Robert Newton is suitably suave but creepy in equal measures. I watched this years ago and never forgot it.

The House on 56th Street - 1933 ****

The first Kay Francis movie I had ever seen, but it certainly won't be the last. 

Francis plays Peggy, a showgirl who falls desperately in love with a wealthy man named Monte. They move into an extravagant house on 56th street and set about starting a family. However, not long after her daughter is born, Peggy is confronted by an old lover who was spurned by Peggy a while back, resulting in a violent row and the lover dying. Peggy is arrested and sent to jail for a considerable amount of time. During this time her daughter is told that her mother is dead, and Monte is killed during the war. When she is released from jail she gets a job in a gambling house, which with cruel irony is the house she used to live in with Monte. In an even more twisted and tragic irony, her daughter gets herself into horrible trouble at the gambling house, whilst Peggy can only sit back and helplessly watch. 

I found this to be a really enthralling story, and enjoyed watching Kay Francis. She's a very passionate actor and positively lights up the screen with every word she speaks and every look she gives. 

Those We Love - 1932 ***

'For Those We Love' is rather tragic, because for once it shows what can happen when paranoia and suspicion gets too much when really there is nothing going on.
Mary Astor plays May, a pretty and sweet woman who buys the very first copy of a novel published by aspiring author Freddie (Kenneth MacKenna). They fall in love, get married and have a son, but Freddie becomes the object of affection for a desperate neighbour who is unhappy in her own marriage. Ever the gentleman, Freddie resists all her advances. Wrongly believing that Freddie has been unfaithful after coming home early and finding Valerie's coat draped over a chair, May leaves immediately with their son, with no word of an explanation and giving Freddie no chance to explain. This leads him to finally give in and have an affair with Valerie. Very sad really. Wonderful to watch Mary Astor in a role like this whilst being aware of her own colourful and unfaithful personal life where she got through man after man right under her husband's nose; and kept a diary of all her exploits that was eventually published in the newspaper!

(NOIR) The Amazing Dr Clitterhouse - 1938 ***

Affectionately or insultingly (depending on how you look at it) known by Humphrey Bogart as 'The Amazing Dr Clitoris' this is a rather ingenius mixture of film noir, drama and black comedy.

Dr Clitterhouse is a distinguished and well liked doctor, but what many people don't know is that he is fascinated by crime and criminal activity. In fact, he's so fascinated that after a few practice runs of stealing jewellery from posh house he decides to turn to the other end of the spectrum, and become the head of a gang of thieves so that he can 'get inside' the mindset of a criminal.' 

Bogart plays the head criminal of the gang who's nose is put out of joint at the calm, pleasant and general niceness of Dr Clitterhouse. He's also not too pleased that Clitterhouse appears to have stolen half the loot her was hoping to get his hands on and has muscled in on his turf, so to speak. Claire Trevor is the cool, calm fatale of the gang who takes a liking to Clitterhouse, a choice that will get everyone in trouble. 

Edward G. Robinson maybe small in stature but my god he can fill a screen like a veritable Sidney Greenstreet. Always a delight to watch him, and of course Bogie has all eyes on him, although I feel he hasn't got a particularly strong character here to do much with, so really it's just as well he gets his major break into films in a couple of years.

Young Bride - 1932 ***

Helen Twelvetrees is yet again walked all over here, but this time by a poncy idiot who looks like he's wearing too much mascara. Her character Allie, is a timid and shy librarian, who is persuaded by her party-loving friends to go out one evening to try and cheer her up after mourning the death of her mother. Once there, she meets a loutish cad named Charlie, who has ridiculous and unrealistic expectations about life, love and money. When he first tries to seduce her, she refuses which sends him into a rage. But over time she is sweet-talked by him, and eventually succumbs, all the time being told by Charlie that he is on the verge of a big break that will make him rich. When Allie announces that she is pregnant, this doesn't go down well with Charlie, and he does what any pathetic weasel of a man does in a tricky situation - he goes after another woman, leaving Allie devastated. The lead man comes across as being almost identical to a young Jimmy Cagney, which probably boosted his career no end. Twelvetrees is worth a watch alone.

Millie - 1931 ****

Going out on a limb, beautiful redhead Millie marries a prominent businessman, expecting a life of glitter and glamour. By the time she has had a daughter she realises that the life she hoped for will never materialise, and when she discovers that her husband has been playing away, she leaves him, and plunges headfirst into a life of affairs, drinking and careless love. Sadly however, she is always betrayed, let down or disappointed, but things really take a turn for the worse when one of her old flames (a man of now advancing years) makes a pass at her beautiful daughter.

Helen Twelvetrees is a bit of a revelation for me. I had only heard very briefly of her but am amazed how 'modern' her attitude is and how much I like her acting. She has a definite air about her that keeps me mesmerised by ever scene she is in, and she really is very beautiful. Some critic once remarked that she had 'the saddest eyes in all of Hollywood' and although she smiles constantly, you can see exactly what that critic meant. 

Double Harness - 1933 ***

Great fun to discover even more actresses from the 30s I have never heard of before. Ann Harding being another one. I had always assumed that William Powell simply acted with either Loy or Francis, but he actually has pretty good chemistry with Harding in this enjoyable romp. 

After finding out that her sister is about to get married, Joan starts to panic that she will be an old maid forever, and manages to persuades the dashing, philandering John to marry her, without him realising that it's actually just for his considerable wealth. By the time he does discover Joan's true intentions she genuinely has fallen in love with him, but is it too late?

I love William Powell so I'm incredibly biased about this film. It might not be the best plot or the best quality, but it's lovely to see anyway.

Police Patrol - 1933 ***

Madge Bellamy. The name I had often heard but never seen on screen until now. To say she's a cutie is an understatement. She had a quality that mixed Harlow's naughty sex appeal, with Marion Davies and Constance Bennett's sense of humour, added with a touch of Kay Francis. She doesn't have a huge window to show off her talents here, but what she does have she portrays well, and you can't help but stare. Being a famous star of the 20s, it would be fair to say that she is maybe past her peak here, but still enjoyable to watch. She plays a good natured girl named Lil, who has to contend with two cops who both fall for her, and trick each other into getting into trouble in order to keep her. Standard film of it's time, but fun to watch nevertheless. 

The Bedroom Window - 1987 ***

A one night stand between the boss's wife and her lover (who also works for her husband) turns nasty when the woman looks outside and witnesses a horrific attack taking place. The problem is she's not keen on getting involved in any situation that might highlight her infidelity to the police and so refuses to tell anyone what she saw. Instead, her lover volunteers to tell the authorities what happened, but saying he was the one who saw it. That is all very well, but when he is brought in to a surprise line up parade and cannot identify the suspect he described so well, the police start to believe he might actually be not just the culprit, but also the killer of two other women in similar circumstances. 

It's actually not a bad film, and is suitably nail biting in parts as you would suspect. V