Mortdecai - 2015 ***

 

Disappointing and overall unfunny crime comedy about a lunatic named Charlie Mortdecai sporting a new handlebar moustache who is living a life of luxury that he can ill afford. To make matters worse he has noticed that his friend is becoming besotted with his beautiful wife and she won't let him back in the bedroom until he shaves the monstrosity on his face off. Hard to believe that a good part of the film revolves around that? Yes it is. I am a huge fan of Johnny Depp but am not sure what's happened to him here. It's like every caricature of every amusing and quirky part he has played has been morphed into this frankly disturbing excuse for a comedy. Then there is the standard crime part of the film - a valuable painting that everyone is after including Mortdecai, and it's all hilarious. Not. But nevermind, it's alright for a laugh I suppose. Ewan McGregor is pretty miscast though. Not one I would recommend which is a shame as I was dying to see it.

Hot Tub Time Machine - 2015 **

 

Moderately funny I suppose, but generally these sorts of films are better as a one off (with the exception of Back to the Future) and I feel they should really have left well enough alone here. It's not clever and it just serves to show that Hollywood will make a film sequel out of anything, even if it doesn't make any sense.

We meet up with the same annoying guys from the first film, except this time five years has gone by. The guys have completely changed their personalities and are more arrogant and delusional than before. When they attend a party however, one of their gang is shot in the penis (!) and they all decide to take a trip in the time machine, hoping that going into the future will show the culprit of the shooting. Obviously to any normal person this makes bugger all sense, so most of the film is a strange experience. I can't say I enjoyed it, although there were certain parts where I had a chuckle or two. Seems to be generic and pointless American comedy in my opinion.

Three Men and a Baby - 1987 ***

 

One of THE films of the 80s that everyone commands you to watch, this bubbly yet irritating picture is neither romantic comedy nor drama. I don't even know what it is. The premise is three typical 'lads' who enjoying sleeping around, partying and generally being far too immature for their ever increasing years. When one of their friends goes away on a trip, the remaining two are surprised to find a baby on their doorstep one morning, with a note claiming to be from their friend. Basically, he's dumping the baby on them, and there is nothing they can do except take it in, and attempt to acquaint themselves with it, despite having no knowledge of what a baby does, how it survives, or what it's purpose is. What mayhem and utter hilarity... Well yes and no. There are some funny moments, but really more than anything the film is mocking the guys for not being able to handle a toddler urinating and dribbling all over the place, and it's not really THAT funny when you think about it, if anything, it makes men seem a bit useless, and I'm pretty sure they aren't (most of them at least.) Added to which the baby, instead of coming off as cute, was annoying and unimpressive.

 

The Last Shark AKA Great White - 1981 ***

 

I was surprised by the negative press surrounding this, as actually I found it highly entertaining and can't seem to get the theme tune out of my head. There are many similarities to 'Jaws', some better, some worse, but all in all it's the same sort of storyline, that a seaside town is terrified by a great white, and their useless attempts at dealing with the problem which just seem to encourage more and more bloodshed.
I loved the theme tune and can't stop humming it. I think if you are a fan of 'Jaws' that it's good to see this and compare the two, because they both have positive qualities that make a good 'creature feature.'

Dead Sushi *

 

This has to be one of the silliest films I have ever seen. Killer sushi? Really? It has some amusing parts in it but I genuinely didn't understand the constant need for laughter that overtook almost every scene of the film. A young girl who is bullied by her sushi chef father decides to leave home and comes across a maniac who wants to inject his sushi with a strange serum that turns his food into killer sushi. Who comes up with this utter garbage?! Usually I love Japanese films for their quirkiness but this seemed like it was going a bit too far. I didn't find it funny and to be honest I found a lot of it rather gross (and this is coming from someone who has watched 'A Serbian Film') so it was a bit of a let down.   

(HORROR) Die Screaming Marianne - 1970 **

 

I think Susan George is lovely, and a pretty good actress, but I must say this was a tremendous disappointment to me, especially considering I had been looking forward to it for over a year. Pete Walker seems to have a reputation for rather poor horrors.

Marianne is a go-go dancer with a dodgy past. She's a bit of a gold digger when it comes to men, and likes to chew them and spit them out as she goes along. On meeting the man she thinks is the love of her life, she realises that actually he is just as untrustworthy as the rest of them, and even more so when he tries to convince her to go back to Portugal and meet up with her corrupt father and mentally unhinged sister after falling under their spell. Her father is more than just a corrupt judge however, and is actually aware that on Marianne's 21st birthday she will receive not just a considerable fortune, but also papers pertaining to his extreme criminality.

The result is a cat and mouse race where no one will really be the winner.

Started off well, but then petered off by half way, and by the end it was just silly. Disappointing.

The Stranger Within - 2013 *

 

Oh lord this was a disaster. Not even for the shoddy story, more for the diabolical acting from Warren and Baldwin (does someone pay him to be this bad??). Warren's horribly botoxed face and whimpering attitude completely kills any scene she is in, and Baldwin's personality and wooden performance is enough to make you laugh. All in all a pretty ghastly combination.

Warren plays a traumatised wife who escapes to the Mediterranean for a getaway with her husband after a terrifying ordeal (I have no idea how her ordeal relates to the story or what the point of it is)and is greeted one day by a beautiful backpacker who is supposedly stranded and in desperate need of shelter. The couple take pity on her and invite her to stay, but no sooner have they done so than she is making passes at the husband and causing the wife to suffer an intense bout of insecurity. "Fair enough" you think, "but I'm sure it will all be explained in the end". Well, that is certainly one word for it. Utter garbage. Avoid. And William Baldwin, please for the love of God give up acting.

Murder By Death - 1976 ****

 

Five of the world's best detectives get together after being invited to an ominous evening of dinner and a murder. The first one to discover the culprit wins $1 million. The only trouble is, the so called

'best' detectives are missing vital clues, accusing each other of murder and generally making a nuisance of themselves. I found this quite good on the first viewing, but by the third I found it HILARIOUS and was picking up on so many subtle clues that I had missed the first couple of times around. For one thing, I hadn't noticed how all the detectives are amusing spoofs of proper characters from the annuals of cinema, including Nick and Nora Charles from 'The Thin Man', Charlie Chan, Sam Spade from 'The Maltese Falcon'... I won't tell you all of them or it will spoil the fun, but it's a ridiculous story, with some brilliant lines (especially from Peter Sellers) and a wonderful cast, so what really could be better? For lovers of 'Clue' this will be another underrated treat.