(HORROR) Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers) - 1988 ***

 

A film that made me laugh more than scream, I was so amused by this it was unreal. I wouldn't even class this as a horror myself, more as a black comedy, because there was nothing in it that worried me or made me panic about being on my own in the dark afterwards. Added to which, if Gunnar Hansen feels he can be in a film like this then it's going to be most amusing. It's like when Robert England ends up in horror films - they are normally awful.

A private eye is hired to track down a teenage runaway named Linnea but ends up stumbling into a cult of chainsaw loving prostitutes who murder on behalf of their 'master'.

It sounds a bit twisted but it's so funny!

(NOIR) Fear in the Night - 1947 ****

 

'Fear In the Night' was a rather nifty little B-noir. It did well, had a decent plot, but was only really let down by it's ending. Still, it was a very short film and to give the director credit there was a lot was crammed into the 72 minutes.

A meek and mild bank clerk named Vince has a horrifying dream that he has murdered a man in a locked room full of mirrors whilst a woman he doesn't know is breaking into a safe. Concerned by this dream, the clerk cannot shake the thought in his mind that he might've really hurt someone, but decides to try and turn his mind to other matters as there is no proof of any accident. He goes off for the day with some of his family and they become isolated at an old mansion because of a torrential thunderstorm. Exploring the house, Vince realises with dread that the mirrored room does exist, and it is all too familiar to him.

The 'nightmare coming true' scenario is always a popular idea for a film, and noir in particular uses this in a number of their productions. Even with a resolution it doesn't make it any less terrifying, and despite the bad quality of the film, I found it to be worth my time.

(HORROR) Horror Hospital - 1973 **

 

You can tell from the horrible poster that 'Horror Hospital' isn't going to be of the best quality. And you would be correct. The only thing that made it vaguely memorable was the presence of Robin Asquith as the geeky, walking fashion disaster, wannabe musician who ends up at a health resort after following a pretty girl off the train (and getting her pants off in record breaking time) and uncovers a load of lunatics in the middle of a scientific experiment to brainwash the residents of the resort into being totally submissive to their ever command. This is definitely a B movie and as far as I'm concerned there was nothing 'scary' about it. I am surprised someone like Dennis Price would lend his name to this rubbish but equally nonplussed that Robin Asquith would. Was also slightly nauseated by the hideously shot sex scene 15 minutes into the movie between Asquith and his new lady friend - it was like watching through a changing room mirror and having everything highlighted and illuminated...

The Hitch Hiker - 1953 ****

 

The Hitchhiker is one of those little known films that leaves you feeling pretty tense inside after the credits roll. It's an absurdly simple plot, and it only has one actor that anyone might've heard of before, yet it's exceedingly good.

2 pals off for a weekend fishing trip get the fright of their lives when the hitcher that they pick up turns out to be a ruthless serial killer in the middle of his murderous spree. There is no way the killer is letting the two friends go, and due to his defective eye that never closes, it seems impossible for the men to make a run for it without him catching and shooting them. The film is a battle of wits between the 2 men and their captor, and comes to a terrifying climax at the end scene. Very frightening in my opinion.

Marriage on the Rocks - 1965 ****

 

Val and Dan have been married for 19 years, but during this time Dan has become rather distant in his affection to Val and also pretty dull and uninteresting. Val is desperate for excitement in her relationship and after a while she can't take anymore and wants to get divorced. Dan is devastated and turns to his best pal Ernie for comfort. Despite Ernie regularly congratulating Dan on his practical and comfortable life and stating how jealous he is of this lifestyle he is actually a booze swizzling, floosy chasing bachelor who adores single life and wouldn't change it for anything. Egged on by Ernie's suggestion to whisk Valerie away for a second honeymoon to Mexico, Dan then realises he has to rush back to work at the last minute to save his company from collapsing, but doesn't have time to tell Val. Ernie volunteers to go to Mexico to explain it all to her and... you can guess what happens... I thought it was very funny, a great cast and all the actors were chosen as the right characters to play them. Sinatra can be very amusing, and you can tell he and Dean are great chums off screen. Kerr is just lovely and so elegant in every single way.

The Notorious Landlandy - 1962 ***

 

Bit of a shock to see an aging Fred Astaire in such a 'risque' film as this, but lovely to see Novak looking all beautiful, and Lemmon being his usual goofy self. Carly can't get anyone to rent a room in her house after her husband mysteriously disappears because everyone thinks she had something to do with it. Enter gormless William Gridley, just flown in from America and completely out of the loop with anything murder or disappearance related. Finding this room in such a lovely apartment is like a dream come true for him and he jumps at the chance, having no idea he might be in the same building as a suspected killer. His boss Franklyn is furious that he has got himself in this predicament, that is until he actually meets Carly...

Silly fluff, not a bad film really.

The Bride Walks Out - 1936 ***

 

One day I might've seen all Barbara Stanwyck's movies, but I fear I still have far to go as she has an outstandingly large back catalogue and that is both terrifying and exciting!

Barbara plays Carolyn, an independent and headstrong gal working as a fashion model who is entranced by Michael, an engineer with hardly any money who happens to say all the right things to her. On a whim, they decide to get married, but soon after Carolyn realises that Michael is utterly useless with money, doesn't save and spends what they don't have. To make matters worse, he convinced her to give up the job she loved, and they are now living on a shoestring of his meagre earnings and she is barely seeing a penny. But when you are in financial difficulty, sometimes people appear out of the blue to make things better, and this is what happens. The only problem is, the person that appears to offer financial support is her old love, romantic playboy Hugh who is still besotted by her and willing to do anything to make her happy. It doesn't take long for Carolyn to start wondering whether her marriage was a bad idea, and she is becoming increasingly fond of Hugh again. It's not going to end happily for anyone.

Good film, love Stanwyck.

The Blue Lamp - 1950 ****

 

'The Blue Lamp' was a film always recommended by my dad, I think partly because it's a good film, and partly because it shows the loyalty of the policed force in the 1950s, and the lengths they will go to help and avenge each other.

A new and rather inexperienced policeman named Andy is paired up with an old reliable policeman named George, and they both go out on their beat together so Andy can pick up tips and learn the tricks of the trade. However, what they aren't counting on is being caught in the middle of a dangerous robbery that goes terribly wrong. As a result of this, George is dreadfully wounded, and although he is only a new recruit, Andy takes it upon himself to search for and track down the men responsible for putting George in hospital.

Dirk Bogarde plays a bad character which is always a bit of a change, and Jack Warner was a staple in 1950s crime dramas so it's always nice to see him.

Worth a watch to see the difference in police law and the process of catching criminals as opposed to now.

 

(HORROR) The Visit - 2015 ***

 

2 children head off to meet their maternal grandparents for the first time but get a shock when they discover some terrifying truths surrounding the couple.

Considering the time we have had to wait for Shyamalan to release another film I was really expecting that I would enjoy it more. Instead, it feels like all found footage type horror movies, that the premise seems good and then it turns into the biggest let-down. I'm not saying it's an awful film, because there are certainly parts that make you jump, it just feels altogether like it's not been put together very well.

For one thing, it seems rather strange to me that you would send your two young kids off on a train to be met by your parents without either going with them or assuring that the children know who they are or who is meeting them. For another, there is a weird situation going on between the mother and her parents whereby she hasn't spoken to them properly for at least a decade after a falling out, and therefore it would seem peculiar to then send your children to stay with them.

The grandparents themselves are obviously very strange. The grandfather is forgetful and incontinent, and the grandmother wanders about in the middle of the night with what appears to be the onset of dementia. Not a hugely safe environment for your children, but there you go. When the 'twist' comes out, it's a shock but also a disappointment. Be warned.